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Old 03-21-2010, 08:45 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Aysha
Looking For Myself...Sober
 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thx everyone.
I went and bought the cats those food and water dishes that you fill up and they have the big containers so you dont have to do it everyday. So that will help some.
I bought her a sticky roller for the couch and chairs to get the cat hair when she needs to. But when I come home on the weekend I am going to start giving them baths and brushing them the best I can. I have been buying all their stuff they need. Food, litter, and all that.
I need to get on the ball and get my kitten (1yr old) spayed.
But thats kinda hard to do when I am where I am.
When we got back to the house today she told me how she saw a news report on tv that lonliness can cause high blood pressure.
I asked her if she had high blood pressure and she said yes.
I am at my aunts right now and they didnt even know that her Dr wanted to see her for the weight loss.
And both my cousin and my aunt and uncle told me she doesnt cook at all or hardly eat anymore.
I know my recovery comes first. I really do relize that.
But as much as my gram sacrificed for me all these years. If she needs or even just wants me home. I am going to go home.
I could never forgive myself if she got sick or wasnt feeling good because of things I have or have not done. Even as simple as her feeling safe and comfortable knowing I am home with her.
The house has made me commit to meetings and IOP.
But I think now that I have a good sober support network going and I do see the importance and how serious they take IOP.
And I want this now more than ever.
Also now I like going to meetings. I get bored sometimes at them. But the connections I have made with people are phenominal.
I really look forward to being around those people. I feel like I belong somewhere.
I feel like I have a group of friends now. Its hard to explain.
You know how they say NA will ruin your high for the rest of your life now.
I know exactly what they mean.
I couldnt imagine getting high now and not thinking about everything I know about the fellowship.
Its like a whole different lifestyle.
I am sorry to say. I will probably be coming home sometime this week.
But I want to do it right. I need to talk to both my councelors before I do anything.
I want to keep my chair commitment on Mondays.
I just dont want to burn any bridges anymore.
I need to have a plan for everything now because I dopnt want to just do things on impulse anymore.
I have been thinking on this for weeks now.
I just told my aunt and she like exploded with relief telling me that she is glad. And now some of the truth is coming out.
I dont think they wanted to say anything because they didnt want to sway my decision too much.
But now that I told them I am co,ming home...she is telling me things I didnt know. That my gram doesnt like being home at night by herself and she isnt cooking for herself or even buying food for herself.
I dont know.
I feel like I can do this as long as I keep my connection with my program as far as finishing IOP and meetings.
I have a new appreciation for all that now. And it is very important to me.
I think I can stay commited now. because I dont have to go to but 5 meetings a week and I still go to 7.
I have to do what my heart says.
I wont be going back to work tho until I get closer to finishing IOP.
I guess I have alot to do and think about this week.
I am def going to make sure I have my resources in place and leave on good terms and have another plan like getting transferred to the IOP closer in place.
I wont leave until then. And if my counselors dont agree. I will have to work out a compromise then. I will not just up and leave against their word.
I feel like I totally rambled.
I am sry. But I am so glad I have you guys to come to.
I will throw this to my sponsor and my peers too.
Thx for being here guys.

I just want to add that its not about other family members stepping up. They have all helped the whole time. Even when I was home. Thats how my family is. We are all very close and always help each other all the time. Thats just what we do. And no one but me can make her feel better if she is feeling like she is. Its been me and her since I was a baby. Its just like I feel if shes not around for me. It just isnt right cause me and her are so close.
Call it what you want..codependent or whatever. Sometimes there isnt a need for bounderies because they may just make things worse in some situations. These arent bad things.
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