Went to the beach today and flew kites. Beautiful day!! Helped move some stuff out of my ex's house, a couple of TV's that we took to be donated. I set up the LCD TV I brought down for her and my son (I bought a new one!!). I forgot the remotes for everything, gonna have to mail them down on Monday. I've got a speaker system coming in the mail too, but it didn't arive in time for this trip. She doesn't care about the sound as much as I do anyway. She went out with some friends and I stayed with my son. We worked on the rocket. I'm not sure why I thought building a rocket was going to be easy, I'm not a rocket scientist or anything!! Just now getting back to the hotel.
I was pondering our relationship. Obviously we get along well, and do still love each other, but like most addicts I've done a lot of bad stuff and hurt her greatly over the years. We've been apart for more than 7 years now, divorced for over 5. I'm the one who insisted on the divorce. It was a few weeks after my suicide attempt, I had been scouped up by my parents and dragged back to Illinois. I had huge debts, both from using and medical bills I racked up while in the hospital. At the time I really didn't think I would live through the year. I totally planned on trying to kill myself again, if I could figure out a way to make sure it worked and my folks wouldn't find my body. Obviously I was completely out of mind, still using 24/7. The reason I wanted the divorce, and for the record, she was against it, was I couldn't bear the thought of dragging her and my son further down into my abyss. It was like I was hanging out a airplane door with her holding my hand, but if she kept holding it she would fall too. I just let go. I always held out a tiny glimmer of hope that if somehow I managed to find my way, that we could be together again, as a family. I think I need to let that go.
I've been clean almost a year now, not abusing alcohol for over 6 months. She know where I stand on the issue and when I first go clean asked for "space". I've brought it up a couple of times since then, but have really gotten no real feedback from her. Recently I went back and read some of the old email exchanges we had soon after we split up. I don't even know who the person who wrote them was, it's certainly not me now. However, the fact is, it is me. I did say those things, no matter how crazy I was at the time. I have to own those things and deal with the fallout. I think part of that fallout is losing the chance to be with her. It's possible it could still happen, but I don't think it is something that I should prusue anymore. Neither of us has dated, much less been in any kind of relationship since we split up, and I don't think either of us is really champing at the bit to get into one. I do miss it, but have not the slightest idea of how to go about finding someone, and I'm not really sure I want to put in the effort anyway.
As much as I hate it, the fact is I've been pretty insane for the past 10 years or more. The drugs and booze certainly contributed to it, but even after being clean for some time now, I still am mentally unstable. The doc is trying various concoctions to try to find something that will help, but I'm starting to resign myself to the fact that this may just be what I have to deal with. I can understand why she wouldn't want that kind of additional drama in her life. She works in the mental health/substance abuse field, and certainly doesn't need to deal with more of that when she comes home. She did that for years.
I like the fact that we can have a positive relationship, especially for my son. It's hard for me though because I always want more. I think I need to try to be satisfied with that and just move one.
Enough rambling, off to bed. Gota rocket to lauch tomorrow!! As well as bikes to ride. Thanks for listening. Take care.