Charlotte, I am similar to you when it comes to not having what I believe in at the top of my mind.
I identified with atheism when I was about 19, and I was also resentful and dealing with bereavement and other things that seemed like a major slap in the face. Seemed logical too, since we are all particles of chemistry and whatever science teaches us. What is a "soul"?
Once in a while I would think of something off-kilter though, like how there could be a spirit inside a mountain. And when I watch a documentary about space, it doesn't look very God-oriented, it all looks so accidental. But I obviously don't know all the answers or have anything new to reveal, ha ha. I have since moderated my views and don't think I am atheist anymore (that was before I quit drinking). I don't know what I am, I'm just here. I like a phrase used in the AA Big Book that talks about an "inner resource" in a person. (I haven't read it through and through yet, but I have taken a look.)