he either shifts all the blame to me...
Does he?
I have got to get better about this
Or do you?
**
This is a wicked cycle to break. You are so used to being at fault and having to fix this relationship that even in seeking out answers in your recovery you put the requirement on you to fix something.
I wanted to change my self talk too and stop listening to my EX. A year later and it is still a daily struggle to change the things I tell myself. What I don't have anymore is someone fighting against it. There is only one voice I answer to...mine. There is only one presence guiding me...my higher power's. Without addiction lording over my life via my XABF, I will heal. Without him blaming me for all things and without him telling me how unworthy I am, I will rise.
IMO, you are trying to tackle the hardest bit first...changing self talk and self validation. Why not try something easier (although I won't bet it will feel easier) and that's detachment. His opinion is his own and he can keep it to himself. Stop seeking him out for answers to your relationship woes and he can't put them all on you. Stop looking to him for your self worth and he can't bring it down.
With understanding,
Alice