Hi nb! So glad you returned - that's a great sign. I did the same things you did, over & over. I was at the point where I felt I was going to die & was not ready to check out of this life. No amount of alcohol was doing the job anymore & I was behaving in an insane way - emotions all over the place & unable to keep my life from becoming chaos. Yet here I am - over 2 yrs. sober. So I know you can do the same.
You are not alone nb! Please stick close by SR and let us know of your progress. We're all rooting for you.