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Background - we have been trying to get help for our son for years. He is adopted and was a "waiting child" before he came to our home. We found out when he was five that he has fetal alcohol syndrome (his biological mom didn't think that wine coolers had alcohol in them).

Last summer he became violent and antisocial. So much so that he physically hurt our oldest child and may have sexually hurt our youngest. We pleaded with his social worker to have him removed to a safe facility. We felt we could not keep any of our kids safe from the ramifications of his disability. Instead of helping us she turned us over to child protection. They threatened to take away the two children that he hurt.

I felt hopeless and helpless. We talked with experts, hired lawyer, knew that we did nothing wrong and when the child protection worker came to our home she agreed that we were doing everything we could and that there was no abuse or neglect and therefore, no file was created. Basically we were vindicated.

The problem is that I was damaged in this process. I stopped taking care of myself, I couldn't sleep, started having physical twitches and spasms. I was depressed and I began to drink to numb out.

I quickly realized that this was a problem and began going to a therapist who has been a life saver. So far getting and staying sober has been pretty easy. I am happy and content and coping in a healthy way, but....

My son has ramped up his violent behavior again. Threatening to kill us, to break fingers and arms of the kids in his class and he hit another teacher.

I am twitching again and look, I am up again at 11:55 p.m. I am not drinking but I am feeling that same old familiar feeling of helplessness and hopelessness and being trapped.

This is my first trial since becoming sober over three months ago. I would love to numb out and not have to be in this again for just one night. Just get away from it all, just escape.

Sorry to vent. I am feeling so alone and so hopeless.

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