I'm just wondering if anyone has tried this or read the book and if anyone has had similar experiences to mine. The first time I cleaned up after a period of being really involved with AA/NA/SMART and constant 'relapses' I bought the Rational Recovery book and it clicked. It seemed straightforward and honest. Basically it asks you to make a lifelong commitment to stay clean. I didn't keep to my lifelong commitment to stay clean that I made then, I did stay clean for a good 5 1/2 years though.
I'm having a lot of trouble making the commitment again, probably why I've come to this place for help. For one I've broken the commitment once and for another I'm having real difficulty finding reasons to stay clean.
When I cleaned up last time I had plenty of reasons. I got into school, eventually got married and had a family. Now I don't have any of these things and I have trouble seeing myself doing it again.
Right now I'm on disability and I'm facing homelessness at the end of this month. I just have a lot of pessimism about my ability to pull myself up again and get back on track. I feel as if I'm very very tired and just want to give in. I don't think about suicide but I don't have much will to live anymore.
Last time I cleaned up I pulled myself off the street, got into school, got a 'normal' life. A lot of people have told me I should be proud of what I accomplished, a lot of street kids never make it out. Of course I'm right back where I started when I was 15 years old now, homeless and addicted to crack.
The main reason I have now to stay sober is that I don't want to become a scumbag, which is pretty much the end of the road for all crackheads. I don't want to be the person that's going to steal off my friends and try to burn everyone around me for a couple bucks. I don't want to become the guy that will do anything for a hoot. Right now my addiction is at the point where I don't think much about it if I don't have money.
If anyone has read Rational Recovery, yes, I can totally see my addictive voice in almost all the statements I've made here
