Hello Mike,
A very wise sponsor in early sobriety taught me that when I felt overwhelmed about something, to say it out loud to people I care about who also care about me. She said it lessens the "burden" of carrying it all on my own shoulders. This always works for me. I hope it did for you.
That said, to drink again, you would go another round of this:
Originally Posted by
BurningChrome 
Abit of a rough stretch the first week, but I received immeasurable support here at SR.
only the next time will likely be worse as recovering from a relapse is more difficult each time.
Originally Posted by
BurningChrome ...for 1-2 hours and just got hammered every night as my own way to relax after another stressfull 15-18 hour day; _that_ was my treasured 1-2 hours of "down time" to myself to help me get to sleep, get up and do it all over again the next day.
I hate to say it, but with no job, those long hour days are gone right now. I also lost my job in early sobriety. I could've picked up, but didn't. I also realize now that I *absolutely* needed to
not be working full-time so that I could focus on my sobriety. I know your wife needs you and you are there for her - that is of utmost importance. How wonderful it is that you have some financial independence during this time to focus on your sobriety and your wife. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason.
Originally Posted by
BurningChrome ...I believe the only thing keeping me from drinking just now is what happens if I wake up at 2:00a.m. with her screaming in pain...I could call 911...but to show up at a hospital drunk, in her hour of need is something I just cannot face.
Mike, I think you know how guilty you'd feel if this happened, not to mention how your character might be questioned by the medical staff. I am not badgering or accusing - I am speaking from experience only.
I also speak from experience and caring support when I say that a contented life in recovery is best lived when it's being done for
you - not only because of circumstances that would fare better if you were sober (ie, a 2:00am wake-up call). If that is the only thing keeping you from drinking now as you said, please reach out further to find additional support systems that can help you build a strong foundation for recovery, rather than just having the "what ifs" driving your sobriety. That could easily lead to resentments which wouldn't help you or your wife.
Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I've been there and I care, Mike.