wichitalineman

Hey Michael,

I am sorry to hear about your recent setback. But thankfully, that is all that it was - a setback. You can get back on the horse today and start anew. I fell off and had to get back on many, many, many times. We're talking about a span of hundreds of times falling off and then getting back on. Yes, hundreds. I am sure I am not alone.

I am still new in my recovery, and am still piecing together both the last 10 years of insane drunkenness and the last 72 days of blissful sobriety. I am not totally sure what it was just yet that made quitting this time different, but what I DO know is that I never stopped getting back on the horse every time I fell off for the last 2 years - the last 730.484398 days (according to Google). I can't even begin to relate how many times I felt worthless, how bad I felt at myself for letting myself down over and over and over. And yet... somehow, at the end of last year, just before New Year's, just as the first decade (!) of the 2000s was eeking to a close - that was it. I put the bottle down and have not brought it back up. It only took 729 attempts to get it right, or roughly 10 times the amount of time I have since been sober - got a ways to go to 'hit even' with that one! 729 attempts, 1 success. What a statistic!! Good thing I am not in the NFL.

I think you said *it* right there: "I know that I am an alcoholic, but can't accept it." I myself am not going the AA route, but I think that's gotta be step 1. I happen to think step 1 is one of the most right on things I have ever read, hands down. I highly recommend you give it a good look.

You say you feel this burden that, if those that know you do know about your problem - why don't they say anything? It could be that they are afraid to say anything, for one. They could fear angering or upsetting you. They could not have the internal strength to begin that dialogue with you, for whatever variety of reasons they may have - previous encounters like this that went bad, hidden alcoholism themselves, other fears/worries not covered here.

You could send them a lifeline - you could start that dialogue yourself. Having taken whatever steps necessary to get the ball rolling for yourself with this problem, you could then open the lines of communication for those around you who are otherwise unable to do so. What an empowering way to open the discourse: "Hi, I have a problem. I have not always been straight with you about it, because I have been sick. Now, I have the strength to address the issue and I want to talk to you about it." And off you go from there! If they do know about your problem and are concerned for you but can't say anything for some reason, imagine the surprise and the subsequent waves of relief they would experience...

Naturally you would fill in the blanks with appropriate statements and the like, depending on the situation, but the principle stands. You could do a whole lot worse in opening this dialogue with them via a DUI/court/jail thing, cheating on your significant other whilst intoxicated, or doing some such other horrendous thing that we all would only do while drunk that 'outs' you and your problem to the community at large. You still have the opportunity to get out ahead of this thing! I hope you take advantage of your good field position to do such a thing.

Keep quitting, keep posting, keep coming back - and take care of yourself. We want to keep hearing from you.

Peace,
//_wlx