humblestudent

You mention "excitement" in 4 of your questions above...I too struggle with this, but insert the word "fun" for excitement...

I have chosen to still hang out with my drinking friends from time to time, because I actually find it therapeutic. Let me explain that. I used to think that my drinking was so "fun". And so necessary to have fun. Only that was a complete lie, because as a binge drinker myself, after the first hour, or 2 or maybe 3 at the outside, I'd be in a black out, and couldn't tell you how much fun I supposedly had. So, in my new sober state, I've been observing. And what I observe is people who drink beer after beer, who really do not get hammered like I did, just sitting around and talking. It's all pretty tame. Turns out the party was in my head, the stuff of smoke and mirrors that you mention above. It was very surprising to me to see this and think, "Is this all there is?" (to the drinking scene).

When I can see this with sober eyes, it makes me take pause, and realize that my perception of fun and excitement was a complete lie the alcohol told me. And, I also have the opportunity to learn that I can truly have fun listening to music, joking with people, just hanging out, etc. without drinking myself. And, I can remember every bit of it, and not have the sickening self-loathing the next day of "What did I say? What did I do?". I am just so amazed at how at 71 days, these realizations are still hitting me. The depth of the seduction and lies that alcohol told me seem to be endless. But calling BS on it has helped me really evaluate it, and understand that the sober routine/life is giving me so much more for real than the lies that made me think I was giving up SO MUCH fun with the drinking.