learning to let go...Acceptance
You want the drugs but you don't want the police arrest that follows.
You want the drink but you don't want the drink driving conviction that goes with it.
You want the relaxed banter but you don't want the agressive argument about absolutely nothing that goes with it.
The list goes on and on... Basically you want it both ways, you want to be able to pick and choose all of the good but want none of the bad.
Heartbreakingly the good times get less and less and it's a case of trying to re-create a glint of good from a pitt of bad. It hadn't used to be that way had it? Probably not but thats just the way it is now.
Of course this only applies to an alcoholic/addict as for most people they are able to leave it alone once they detect they have reached the natural tipping point. Not so for this alcoholic, the point where I should have put it down is the exact point where my second wind would come and the drinks would be going down in one gulp one after the other... Cue oblivion and the inevitable calamity that follows.
I am glad that I can see my alcoholism and even more grateful that I accept that I'm an alcoholic. I have learned to realise that there is no such thing as a 'good' time with me and alcohol. The good times had long since ended and I could have quite easily have chased them until I lost everything - sanity, freedom and my life.
Grateful to be a 'recovering' alcoholic.
Only by reaching such a mental and emotional rock bottom was I able to appreciate the beauty in all of lifes little 'gifts' that so many take for granted... I can start to take it all for granted too, but when i think back 12 months to the hopelelss pitt of despair that i was in, then I cannot help but be grateful that I don't just feel like crying.
peace and love x