Originally Posted by
MidwestSheRides 
I apologize in advance for the negative tone of this post...I'm venting because it's where I'm at right now and it's a change of pace from me not saying a damn thing.
I just want everything to be better, like right now. I want to be able to sleep. I want the heart pains to go away. I want my fingers to stop twitching. I want to be not warm and not cold. I want to have 2 months instead of 2 days. I want my face and my body to not look and feel like **** anymore. I want a nice relationship. I want my debt gone. I want a better car and a better apartment because I haven't been nice to either. I want someone else besides me to clean up my apartment after the last bender. I want to know if I'm going to be able to get past 3-4 days of sobriety without picking back up or if I'll be drinking again by the end of the weekend.
The funny thing is, I do sit-down meditation which has helped me stay in-the-moment at other times, I just can't shake this whole immediate gratification thing. I know how many years I spent hiding away inside a bottle, struggling for years to piece together some sobriety, and I shouldn't expect everything to be better overnight. But I want it anyways. This stinks.
It is nice to be able to want things. But wanting things can be painful. That's why -- one of the reasons -- I started drinking wine regularly. When I had taken some wine, I didn't want: I was happy enough.
And I learned this: when I didn't want things, when I was happy enough with the wine, when the wine had dulled the pain a little, nothing happened.
Wanting is painful, sometimes; but without the wanting, nothing happens.
This is a cycle I repeated for years.
It is better to have the pain of wanting, than the drunken no-want-I'm-fine feeling. Because without the want, nothing happens. Nothing happened for me for ages. All because of the pain of the want. I got rid of the want with wine and ... no want, no happen.
It has been hard for me so see this about my use of wine.