Tyler it sounds like not knowing...or maybe it can be better said, not remembering if you were traumatized as child or not, would be just as distressing as being able to remember such trauma.
I know that my childhood traumatic experience changed the course of my sexual/gender and personality development. I've come across similar stories on the web and have spent a good deal of time in therapy understanding the progression of the trauma throughout my life. I'm guessing you already have learned about some of the adult symptoms of childhood trauma. Thus being able to see how having those symptoms can point to having experienced trauma even without a clear memory of the trauma. As you probably already know the mind dose a excellent job of repressing trauma memories especially in childhood. Whatever the case, trust the experience your having with this situation because it is causing real problems.
Ah...running a fan at night or day to sooth or drown out the silence. In my experience it really helps to calm my mind as well....particularly when I lay down to go to sleep. I been thinking about getting some books on CD to play at bed time...some meditative kind of stuff. I'll have a look at the library and see what they have.
I'm hoping and pulling for you
Tyler...that you can manage well the stress your experiencing. Keep developing and refining those coping skills that can ease this stress.