Thanks everyone. My son arived and we had a good time, but now he's asleep and I'm alone with the demons again. Not drinking anymore, so that's a good thing at least.
I can really identify with your post yeahgr. I have a very hard time sleeping without my fan. It's an old box fan, from Kmart. I've had it for about 30 years, and run it just about every night. I even take it with me on trips, if I'm driving. Part of it is the noise cancels out other distractions, but there is also a certain calm it gives me. I started using it when I was about 12 years old, the same time I think these incidents may have happened. I've got only spotty memories of before then, but my memory is pretty hazy in general. Turns out all that $hit our parents told us about drugs and alcohol killing brain cells was true!! Hate it when that happens.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I do appreciate the support. Thanks all. Take care. I think I'll try to go to sleep now.