Chicubs, it makes sense to me that recovery has to be about you first, because you are the one who has to own the coping skill to survive. And we are only good for others when we are at least good for ourselves. I never really grasped that concept until recently.
It's really easy for the non-addict to see the addict as selfish within their addiction and also without their addiction. It would be nice if there were some way your wife could gain more insight into this through someone else. But at the same time, I would not want her to feel like "she has to change."