Originally Posted by
narayani 
ive made such a huge effort in the last two years to transform my life. it is fairly transformed but there are still big gaps i havent been able to fill. Namely that i realise i dont know how to have much fun wihtout drugs and alcohol, and being a shy person they helped me tremendously in interacting with people in the last 16 years or so.
today has been tough, i havent felt like this in a a long time. im so worryingly attracted in some moments to the life i once had, which pained me so much , but in some twisted moments seems so attractive. today it seems like the most interesting thing in the world to me,would be to go and find some person to hang out with who can support my addictive personality. its so easy to jump back into that world. that attractive world of drugs and alcohol and rich men that pay for it all. what can i tell myself in these moments?
Hi, welcome to SR.
Perhaps have a look at your possible resentments against permanent and lasting changes to your lifestyle choices as you manage through your recovery. You'll find those resentments against change hidden within the fog of justifications you may have for being attracted to your old lifestyles in the name of having fun. You know it wasn't really fun, and yet the attraction persists. Examine that honestly.
Its no mystery that change brings some measure of pain to our recovery, and that hurt can easily turn to resentment and worse below are everyday awareness. Take a care towards your effort to be transparent to your wants and desires. Let not fear control your discovering a whole new life free from wanting the old lifestyles.
Best wishes.
RR