For me this issue is one of the chicken or egg scenerios that surround alcoholism or dependency in general. What came first the reason or the alcohol.
I hear exactly what Kjell is saying...only I cannot see into his past or youth. I have the same problem to an extent and while reading the posts Anna's post hit me in the face.
Back to my first sentence. I grew up in a house of constant fighting to the point of just anarchy that was contained.(somehow moms nuttiness never made its way through the walls).
Lop onto that a sister who was totally brutal and out of control. That didn't help with the fighting.....ohhhh, no! She should be in prison today, were it not for my dad.
I remember waking up at 3 in the morning due to fights and turmoil, only to go to bed after it was over.
My mother used to have a much angrier vision of things as she does today....Back in the day I would sit in front of the TV watching UCONN basketball (right when they became good) hoping that it would drown out the screaming.
My friends became my only real outlet for a happy life and I loved them. Well, when the neighbor friends were around it was different but as I got older it continued through HS...I wouldn't disagree or fight with those girls or guys because I feared they would not like me that much anymore.....It goes on today with me "not liking me".
For me it is all about the fear of confrontation....which is a huge fear and the reason is this.
Let's say I disagree with or don't like somebody...Well, most people will tell them they disagree or will have no problem voicing their views. Not me, I let it build up, and up, and up......and let it sit in my head and then when something finally triggers me to explode I explode. Never violantly, but being so mad that I can't even speak or debate straight. Normally, I've built up enough goodwill by then, but it would be alot better if I could just say what is on my mind before the buildup.
So what came first...the fear of confrontation or the alcohol? I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure that one out.
Sorry for my diatribe.....but I think it makes some sense to somebody besides myself
Quint