New Member
Hi,
I'm new here and after lurking around, reading some of the posts, I decided to make contact and say 'hi'.
I have yet to have any significant sober time and am trying to figure out how to get through that first night. It is always the night that is hardest for me and the thought of lying in bed for hours on end waiting just kills me. I spend the night worrying and recalling things I don't want to, I often end up in tears and so anxious that I am balled up tight, tight. If I drink at night, I simply pass out and come to the next day - there is no lying in bed thinking.
I live in a one room basement apartment with my fiance so I can't just get up and watch TV or read when I can't sleep because he needs to sleep....
I have been through a rehab program about 3 years ago and was successful, but then my father died and I started 'the slide' (we all know about that, I'm sure) to where I am today. I am no where near the drunk I was in the past, but I am afraid of getting there and of what is happening to my health. Also, I suffer from major depression as well as life-long battle with an eating disorder. I am a mess and drinking always let me forget what a waste of a life I am....that is, until the next morning when the guilt would consume me and I would drink again to be rid of that feeling. I have such feelings of loathing for myself and I can't seem to find it in me to care enough about my own life and health to quit. My doctor has reported many times that my liver is sick, that I can't drink, but I'm not fazed when she says that. I can't remember the last time I cared for myself in any way....
I don't have any friends, just a wonderful fiance who supports me in every way. I don't have the kind of family you can talk to either and AA is not the place for me. I am looking into a support group for women in my neighbourhood while I'm waiting for treatment to begin. Always a waiting list...
Oh well, sober so far today and will be for at least the next few hours as I try to keep myself busy doing things.
Hope everyone is safe today.