MentallyEx, you are in a hard place, and feelings of guilt are an extra burden on you.
Know that you are apart because of HIS drinking behavior and the verbal abuse HE put you thru.
The answer you get when you play that tape thru to the end is the truth for you, it is brutally honest and causes a lot of pain for you, but it cannot be erased, much as you would love it to be.
Keep planting those feet, one step in front of the other even if you have to drag each one sometimes. It will get easier, but it can be a lonely and miserable trudge for a while.
God bless