Kjell

Facts
I'm on day 60 of being sober (this time, had some false starts since Sept of 09). I'm on/about day 60 of doing 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I'm working on step 4. I pray, I call my sponsor, I call and interact with other alcoholics, I chair one meeting a week, make coffee, clean up, etc... I have 4 outpatient meetings left and I'll have completed a "12 week" outpatient program.

Thoughts
I've had my good days and bad, which is what life is all about or so I'm learning, but overall, this has been very painful, awkward, and uneasy experience.

One thing that really stuck out, was how many resentments I really have. Also how angry, selfish, immature, and just ill equipped I am towards life and all who live in it. ...and just how insane I was and am now without alcohol and drugs.

I still want an instant fix, an instant synthetic "make me feel good" attitude and life fix, and I still try over and over to find ways to do this (5 hour energy drinks, candy, junk food, cigs and I don't even smoke).

I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, get up in the morning and go to work (literally and figuratively), go to AA, therapy, pray and just have faith that this will all work out. I know I can never drink again successfully. I will die an alcoholic no matter if I never have another drink.

Thanks for reading.

Kjell