I remember you - welcome back
I think the thought we can control it is the great delusion for any alcoholic - I know I tried for 20 years.
Don't waste 20 years - however long it's been for you so far is long enough HC.
Accepting I had to let go, and jump into an uncertain future without booze, was scary as hell and very difficult - but it really was the best decision I ever made....and I had a lot of support here doing it
I hope you decide to leap sooner than later
D