Hi sweetlibra
Welcome.
I really know how you feel - I spent 20 years moving one pace forward and 5 paces back with my alcoholism.
I didn't want to drink - but it was, literally, all I knew how to do.
Sad? Angry? Confused? Drink.
Happy? Drink.
Bored? Drink.
I had to accept first that I was an alcoholic and accept that every drink was damaging me physically and emotionally. I had to realise every drink dug me deeper into my rut, and every single time I drank I was opening the door to all the bad stuff we both know about.
That was hard to do.
I then had to learn to live with life - and be sober doing it.
That was even harder.
But this is a great bunch of people - you're not alone.
You'll find a lot of help, support and suggestions here.
Welcome!
D