Sometimes I get to thinking
About different things. I get to thinking about how I have a concert on Thursday, I'm singing a solo and a duet and my mom won't be there... just like she's never been there. It never stops hurting though. I've never been able to talk to her about it, I think it might hurt her too much. I just get so angry thinking about the way she lives, when she's always been more than capable of being the mother she should have been but wasn't. I get so angry at her, but then I start crying because I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry that she's all on her own in an assisted living facility. I'm sorry she missed out on so much that she could have had. I've been really incapable of letting it go. It may be the one thing that drives me out to a meeting, especially for as long as I've hated the idea of going to a meeting or to a therapist. I'm finally starting to see that I can't do this on my own, as strong-willed as I am. I'm starting to understand that it doesn't make me less of a person and it doesn't make me weak if I need help. It's so hard for me to admit that because it's been a real pride issue for me. I've always been so stuck on the idea that I have to be independent and have to do things for myself, and I think most of that has to do with my upbringing. I've always been so concerned with other people, becoming more and more hard in my own soul. I was helping people and getting worse myself. I've got to stop ruining myself this way. I've got to stop mulling over the things that have happened, or the things that bother me. I've got to learn to let it go, but I can't do that on my own.
Also, as a side note on a completely different topic: tonight I went out with a friend of mine who I am interested in. We went to the movies and he paid for me. He listened to me and had some real conversation. It was nice. I assumed he would want me to go back to his place, but he didn't. I figured that he didn't like me and I felt hurt at first. Then I thought twice and realized that maybe he just respects me. It was a total breakthrough for me, even if it sounds stupid. I should have realized it all along, but I didn't. I've had some very flawed views on dating and relationships. I'm glad I'm starting to grow up some. I just wish sometimes it would happen all at once. It's all a part of life though I guess. I'm glad I'm realizing it while I'm 18 though, and not further down the line.