Hi coffeeclub
I agree with Anna and Dean - the manic state is not a normal one - and is quite self destructive by your account. I hope you'll seek some help.
There are better, more genuine ways for you to learn to like yourself.
I always hated myself - one of the great by products of not drinking anymore and working on facing my problems is I've grown to like myself - it's not dependent on drugs or alcohol - it's real.
For the first time in my life I'm happy and content.
I wish the same for you CoffeeClub - and IMO it all starts with stopping the self destruction and getting some help to stay that way.
D