I just started posting about my husband who is addicted to heroin. We have been seperated for a year. He has battled addictions all his life. He was arrested last week for stealing from a local dept. store on a month long shoplifting spree and was found with syringes, spoons and empty capsules in his truck. I asked him the next day if he was ready for a change and he said yes.
I have put all my extra time into learning about addiction, heroin, rehabs, detox clinics, talking to councelors, people in recovery, all of this trying to help him. I stop by his house two or three times a day to check on him. He looks horrible, he has tracks in his hands, I won't even use the bathroom there because there is blood all over it, he has probably lost 50 pounds. Every time we talk he tells me how he is planning on going to detox and how he wants me to look up or call places he has come up with. I even found him a 12 month program that looked amazing.
He is stalling though. He tells me what I want to hear. He is an addict and thats what they do. I know he will only go when he is ready and it is so frustrating to me because he is so far gone I do not know how much time he has to waste. I spend alot of time sad and crying.
My son turned 13 today and I took John for a visit to his house tonight. Paul was of course high. When we went to leave he gave me a hug and said thank you for being here for me. I told him that I couldn't turn my back on him but I was done being bullshitted. I said you have got to put your walking shoes on and start heading down the right path....but I know I am probably wasting my breath.
How do I let go? Lord give me the strength to be able to let go of someone that I spent years of my life with. I walked down the beach in Islamorada and married. I raised a son with, had christmases with, laughed and cried with. This is tearing my whole world apart. There is probably not one minute of the day when I don't think about him and his addiction.....and how much I would give to be able to help him. I know that I can't because he has to help himself. I just can't seem to muster up the strength to walk away from him, to let him go. It hurts so bad to love someone and let them go....because of this I feel like I cannot move on with my life. It centers around Paul and his addiction.
Paul has totally lost control, his addiction runs his life now. He is a different person from when we first met....even though he was struggling with demons then. His family has never really been there for him much, and they are not very supportive for him now. He has maybe two friends left besides me that aren't heroin junkies, that actually care about him. His life is crashing down around him and none of that matters because he is an addict. I know all this and I still cannot let go. I know that when tommarrow morning comes I will stop by his house to check on him before I go to work. I know that when I go to work I will not be able to focus because I am sad and thinking of him all day. I know that I will break down and cry at least four times tomarrow. I know that tomarrow night I will check on him again before I come home. And I also know I cannot save him.
So why can't I let go???