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02-22-2010, 11:12 AM

# 4 (permalink)

CrackQuack

Member

Join Date: Mar 2009

Location: Dayton, OH.

Posts: 879

Quote:

Originally Posted by sickbladejob

Hi Everyone,
Im newly in recovery (34 days) and I am having serious trouble with the whole accepting and forgiving people part of recovery.
So far almost everything is positive in my post drinking life. I have tons of support, no legal trouble, I still have my job and home, my health is bouncing back far faster than I had anticipated. It feels like everything is going my way, except one relationship in my life. For some reason all I can focus on is the one negative thing going on in my life. I just cant bring myself to forgive this person for betraying what I thought was a very strong friendship.
Im just looking for any advice/help/support from anyone that has dealt with betrayal in early recovery.
Thanks,
"Eric"

Hello "Eric". Welcome to SR! I am very happy you found us. This is a wonderful community of support and recovery! Congrats on your 34 days clean!
I am CrackQuack, my drug of choice is crack cocaine. I am 1 year clean.
I, too, had (and sometimes still have) trouble forgiving and forgetting someone who not only betrayed my trust, but played a HUGE part in nearly ending my life.
I call it a resentment. I have major resentment toward my ex boyfriend. And it's tough to even type that because I loathe him so completely, I have fantasies and dreams about how to get even with him. He kept offering me crack until I said OK. He tried to get me on heroin. He wanted me to become one of his hookers that he sells in order to support his habit. He got me to cash checks at his job that he runs for his parents, so we could get crack. Everything out of his mouth was a complete and utter lie. His "nice" side is so fake I even begin to wonder if his rottie really passed away the way he said she did....
Anyway, take a long hard look at yourself and what possible role you -could- have played, if any. And think about how many people you have hurt in your addiction. Wouldn't you want them to forgive you too? It goes both ways. Trust can be rebuilt/re-earned, over time.
What settles me down, about my ex, is the part that -I- PLAYED in all that. I made the choice to take that first hit of crack. I made the choice to cash those checks. I made the choice to stay with him despite knowing all that he is. I should have left the first time he smoked in front of me. Or the first time he made meth. Or the first time he slammed heroin. Or the first time I saw cocaine on his dresser. I just should have left. I had a bad feeling about him from the get go. But the point is that I rocked the boat myself, heck fell out of it. Sure, had I known I'd become addicted, I would never have touched it. That would have saved me so much trouble. But what's done is done and I have my irritating second ex husband breathing down my neck, waiting for me to relapse. Insists a tiger never changes their stripes, yet he totally and completely changes his personality to fit with whomever he is dating/married to at the time.. But I cannot change, in his eyes.. Whatever. More resentments here. LOLOL..
Anyway, I'd say that the best thing for you to do is just work on yourself.
Another thing, about most of us addicts, is we want everything right now. We're quick to jump on that judgemental train and take that high horse home with us. It's something we have to work on. Because it'll hurt a lot, when we fall!
Once clean/sober, some of us tend to think everyone else owes us something. A reward. I know I pounced on any normy who didn't call me on my 30, 60, and 90 days clean. I was a complete MESS when NO ONE (normies)remembered my 1 year!
And I am not saying that what this person did is to be taken lightly, because simply, I have no clue what they've done to you. It could be something totally blown out of proportion or something extremely serious.
If it was that strong of a friendship, it WILL survive. Give it time. My best friend of nearly 30 years has forgiven me for so many things and been there for so many things. From my teen drug abuse years, to her husband KISSING me and trying to sleep with me (and I hid it because she was pregnant at the time), to my second round of drug abuse in my 30's. She's been there for me and I for her. We've been through a lot. A lot of other people have come and gone, but she's always been there. I love that about her. If it's not meant to be, as sad as it is, then it's not meant to be.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. That's the best advice I can give you. Worrying about too many things and not keeping your recovery first can be a set up for a relapse. :ghug3