thank you guys,
hunny, i did have my alone time with his remains and it did help me to talk to him and i still talk to him at times, i did that before he was gone. a part of me feels that his spirit may still be around to hear my heart.
before, i took solace in knowing that even if i said no to him coming home, he would sooner or later still try. i recieved a letter 3 days prior to his passing, wanting to come home when he got out. he was looking forward to going into this 90 day rehab program he had applied for and got excepted into. he said he was hoping i would let him come home if he showed us that he would be better. now it is so final, i know now, he'll never try to come back, i'll never have the chance to decide whether or not i want to or can live with him again. its all over.
even coming here sometimes feel like my reason for doing so is gone but when i think about all of you, i feel like i have to come. i have to be here for me, even though its sometimes feel like a reminder of all i've been through and is trying to get through. don't mean to carry this on and on but being here right now, at this time, seems like all i have left...
i know you all do but others may not understand my grief of an addict but that does not really matter. what matters to me is that i know what its like to be that addict, doing all kinds of crazy stuff, that i did love my husband and had high hopes that he'd find his way one day. it matters that he was not always the way he turned out to be and that it could have been me still out there using, getting into trouble then passing on, rather than him.
not lookng for anything but a place for my heart to speak. thanks for letting me.