Hi Ella and welcome.
Until I could accept my alcoholism and admit I was an alcoholic, I couldn't get sober.
My turning point was the day I admitted I was an alcoholic. That word is very important to me. It's total acceptance and surrender.
I didn't drink every day and there were 'times' I could control my drinking. Unfortunately it was these two things which prevented me from admitting I was an alcoholic for a long time. I have since learned there are many alcoholics who don't drink every day and can control their drinks sometimes. Not every alcoholic is a fall down all day drunk.
The truth was my life was a mess from my drinking. How I survived the binges I don't know - I was dangerously close, I believe, to something really bad happening, like a stroke or death. Yet my head still told me I was not an alcoholic because I could have days off the booze.
Alcohol is the big liar. It will do anything and everything to trick the alcoholic into drinking. In AA we call this a "cunning, baffling, powerful" disease.
You may wish to reconsider AA. You don't have to say you are an alcoholic. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. They will welcome you on that alone.