The mother - in - law: I would be angry too. Nothing wrong with anger. She is blaming you! All about bullpoop. Please!!!!!!!! It seems to me the problem with MIL is she is in denial that her son, not acting as a grown man and husband, has the destroying problem
even though he has a good woman behind him!!!
and there she starting saying stuff like, 'a man is only as good as the woman behind him.' and some other stuff like well if i was treating him good he would treat me good etc. then she laid on the kicker about maybe he feel unwelcomed, or not a part of my family
Notice, her statements are all about how he would be better if everyone else was better to him. All bullpoop! Soooo.... after being angry I wouldn't bother much again as someone that thinks like this isn't balanced, there view wouldn't have much impact to **** me off again.
Especially being his mother, even if she is an RA, it is the normal reaction of many, " It takes 2." Mentallyexh, its bullpoop that 2 destroy when in a marriage with an abuser! Many people don't get this who have not walked in our shoes.No, it doesn't take 2 to ruin a marriage that has an abusive alcoholic in it.
It takes 1, the kind to tell a story to his mom about all your imperfections ( as he sees them-some real and most his issues) so she can give you 'how to be a wife advice' and BLAME you as much ( it appears more by her statements) as her son. This is Bullpoop!!! Hence, his leaving comment: "Let me know when you want a marriage." Sweetheart, this is the blame game. He wants to blame you. Listen ..... ( I understand).... you are not going to have responded perfect to the situation of living with a drunk. THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT TAKES 2!!!!! Being under abuse,even if it is only the abuse of his drinking, does not make you an 'abuser' for not treating the poor baby well when he is being a drunk a$$hole of a husband. ** I am taking the time to say what you already know because of the way you wrote your post. Sometimes it is nice to be supported by someone who understands that perfection is not possible or expected when married to an alcoholic. Being pissed off sometimes is expected and needed. It is what brings us to a place to want to move on to not living such a way.)
So I believe ( could be wrong of course :-) the " let me know when you want a marriage " comment is also not about just blaming you but leaving the door open for you to go get him. When I went through my stage of " I won't divorce you and I will live in separation limbo trying EVERYTHING I CAN" I told my husband," You have to leave the house and when you are ready to
be a husband in a marriage you can come back home." He told me he wasn't leaving. Sooo... I told him I would leave with the boys and i already had somewhere i could rent. i let him know this wasn't right as he should be the one who has to leave our home but that i would do this. He told me," I am not going to play this game and we can't afford this, just divorce me then cuz i ain't leaving." i responded by letting him know this was of course no game and he couldn't afford not to do this. He accused me and asked me about throwing away 21 years of marriage at this point. i called his bluff and told him, " I have now without question done EVERYThing I could do. Then I will divorce you."
Here is to letting men leave and stay left who have not changed to be a good husband in a marriage.
This bible comes to mind when i think of what your MIL is struggling to understand: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
She misses her contradictions, as many do and puts the weight of 'fixing' on the abused instead of the abuser. Using MIL's picture : Her son who is "ahead" of the wife "behind", is not leading with love. And his wife as to respect: telling him the truth about what a wife will except and can't except from a husband as she didn't cause it, she can't control it and she can't cure it.
Mentallyexh, you deserve respect and love as GOd purposed. Even from a MIL.
Sorry you had to go through that but i hope the hurt ends up strengthening you and that the support here has helped with some heart healing. She meant it for better I am sure, for her son that is. BUt we mean it better for you here.:-) I hope you have a nice day today................ and tomorrow.
love from the understanding,
tammy