Hi Sadclown and welcome.
There is plenty of support here from people who identify with exactly what you are going through.
Would you consider going to AA? There's a lot of support there and I think you could do with some understanding friends around you at the moment. They also have a solution to living a life happily free of booze. That might sound unbelievable to someone feeling so low at the moment.......but go to meetings and you will hear people who have been where you are, done the things you have done and have recovered and are happy.
Take care.