You said you set boundaries for no drinking and no name calling and attempting better communication. How exactly did you set them? What are the consequences, if he does walk all over and totally disregards your boundaries?
For me I learned that I can set boundaries, like "no drinking", BUT just because I set that boundary doesn't necessarily mean AH will follow it. I don't know if you have read the sticky on boundaries - I found that to be very helpful. Remember that:
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
What I have learned in the past few months was that setting a boundary is very important, BUT you also need to be willing to ENFORCE that boundary. Also remember that boundaries are for you!!
When I told my AH that there was no drinking in the house, he didn't drink in the house when I was around, but as soon as I left he would start drinking and there was really nothing I could do about. So we ended up having one arguement after another and nothing really changed. I realized that my boundary really wasn't set up very well. I also realized that I was trying to use this so-called boundary to control and change him and it just wasn't working. Now my boundary around drinking is: If you drink, I will not engage with you, I will not let myself be pulled into arguements, I will go about my own business and I will not sleep in the same bed as you. A lot of times he doesn't respect me pulling away and wanting space when he drinks, so then I will either go into another room and lock the door or leave the house.
My boundary about name calling/ verbal abuse is also very straight forward: If you are disrespectful I will remind you to be respectful, if you continue to be disrespectful I will walk away/ leave the room or house.
So while I have boundaries in place now... AH will at times disregard them and then I have to enforce them (using whatever actions I defined as a consequence).
I am still somewhat new to this, but hope it helps at least a little. I'm sure you will get some good advice from some of the pro's here very soon
