30. Wow, glad you survived. Hugs.
My first sponsor, after my near death relapse, said to me...."self defiance will push you into the already dug grave you are standing next to".....seemed harsh. I hated hearing it but it was true. Then she taught me reliance on a power greater than me OTHER than booze it where to start. So I believed that she believed.
I never made a ton of friends in AA. That's me. I just know that the most quality people in my life today are a result of attending meetings and listening and learning.
There are loads of ways to start a life of recovery. For me, it had to start with the harsh reality that I was SICK and I needed to stop and I didn't know how. So I humbled myself and I listened to the meanest lady I met at a meeting and she became my sponsor. And she was not sweet. She told it like it was. And whenever I was blabbing on about my terminally uniqueness, she would say 'to thine own self be true'....I couldn't stand it.
Later, my recovery counselor broke it down simpler, "anything after BUT is ********"...so when I caught myself "BUT" thinking....I would go to another meeting and listen and not drink or drug (I have history of drugs too)....
I hope you hang in there. I didn't have a home or any money. I managed to find my way to meetings after I totalled my car. I just kept going. In spite of....
Because by age 31, I knew that alcohol had turned on me and I was grasping the knowledge that as an alkie, I had to get help. It turned out AA was best. I couldn't afford a rehab.
That was back in 1996: No one promised me a rose garden. My life is drastically different and I happen to like having a sober life now.
I remember being very cynical and very very angry. I am not angry anymore. I do still maintain my witty cynicism....
Its an inside jobby. No doubt about it. I remember my recovery counselor telling me that the pissed off version of me wanted me dead. I understood what he meant MUCH later after I went thru the steps.