hey El C
There's a lot of good advice here - and you know it's good advice.
If you want to offer excuses - and that's what they are - that's up to you...but things will not get better from here...unless you do something.
I was exactly were you are once - drinking wine from a coffee cup in my office...Flutter is right - this is not rock bottom....I came to look back where you are as the good old days.
Don't be like me.
I wish you clarity...and luck.
D