Coffeedrinker - sorry for the typo
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With regard to my being home and my mother...I think that you have hit the nail on the head with both...I don't know why she wants me home so much..I can't figure it out myself at the moment and yes, I think I am extremely restless over my situation with my ex-abf so it in turn makes being home a lot more difficult.
Spiritual Seeker - This is something that has been ongoing with his family. They have a family business and when I started dating him (he was using then too...didn't know it at the time but at the point he claims his doc was pills) he would sleep in all of the time, take off of work, and totally take advantage of his family because I guess he didn't have many consequences to his actions. His mother also snuck him monry to compensate when the father docked (sp?) his pay for missing work. Even after he left their business back in 08' he would still get money from his mother all of time and never held a job. He would get tickets and do all sorts of crap and his mother (who I know thought she was doing her best to help her son) would bail him out. A month after I had my son last summer, I thought he was using again and he ended up quitting his job with the union and claiming that 'he wanted to work things out with his family' and returned. I was suspicious at that point that he was using again and called him out on it saying that the only reason he went back there was to take advantage of them, get away with all the normal bs, and use. He swore up and down that it was not the case but low and behold...He went back there, barely worked, told his mother that I was making him come home early all of the time (total BS!!!) and all sorts of horrible lies about me. Long story short, he left there still got money from his mother all of the time up until the beginning of last month...I came to find out that for all of 2008 his grand total from his mother was over $50,000!!! Take a guess at how much me and the children saw...yeah, not much. Back in December when I found out that he was for sure using again, he admitted that the only reason he went to his family was to get money from his mother and to make it easier for him to use. Again with the checks his mother was apparently (this is what he says) going to let him get away with it but since it was on the joint account, ex-abf's father found out and is the one who pressed charges with the mother finally going along.
Whew...sorry this is a long one....
Captain - No he didn't have a job...he left his family's job...went back to the union and lost 2 jobs in several weeks...The other day when I s/w him he was claiming that he hit rock bottom but in all honesty, I bet if he were to get bailed out, he would be right back at square one. I think that there is a HP ensuring he stays because he did get bailed and didn't even make it out the door...his grandparents were also trying to bail him out for over a week a this point but kept running into problems in doing so, and now his bail is $10,000 so he's not going anywhere.
Well as of today, I feel more removed from the situation. I s/w my ex-husband last night after he dropped off my daughter and he told me he knew about my ex-abf the whole time and knew quite a bit of information that I didn't know. When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said 'Would you have believed me if I did?" and the truth is I probably would have denied it.
I have been doing some more rationalizing of this situation and I do deserve better than this. In the past month since his mom stopped giving money, the veil of denial was lifted because there was no one there to help cushion everything for me either (if that makes sense). He took back my engagement ring and got money for drugs with it, he stole from his family left and right, used checks from an old bank account of ours which implicates me, lied constantly, and my own mother found 2 of her rings missing now as well. It also makes me really upset that he had over $50,000 and we barely made it each week...It was always about him in his head and unfortunately it was always about him in my mind too with all of the worrying, false expectations, etc.
I still hope that he finds recovery one day for his own sake and also for our son but I realize FINALLY that it is out of my hands and for that matter never was... That I have spent so much time focused on him that I have lost my own way. I have no life because I made his problem my life, no wonder I am so restless...I spent so much time obsessing over him and now when its time to focus on me I am not sure where to begin but I am ready to try...
I apologize for such a long entry and I can't promise that I won't be on here in the future not feeling bad but for right now I feel like a load has been lifted and I am starting to let go of the idea that things were good enough to stay because in reality the good parts were such a small part of the overall relationship because his addiction was the priority (if that makes sense). I think s/w my ex-husband about everything made it all sink in and helped me to look at things differently since it was someone who was really on the outside looking in...