Thanks everyone who responded and/or read my post.
I do want to be clean because, frankly, I'm better than the person I've slowly become. The addiction has cost me so much. Not just money, but relationships, and my future independence. I've gotta say, that motivates me the most. I've been stuck in house my entire life. I didn't get the opportunity to go off to college, or intern in NYC like my younger brother did. I need some close friends again. I want to start dating again (clearly a long way off at this point). I know none of that's going to happen rotten in this house.
At the same time it's hard to imagine never doing it again. My brain is wired to want it, and no one seems to understand that. It's going to take a long time for that to change.
I am on anti-depressants which do help a bit when I'm sober. I've never seriously tried to kill myself unless I was on the influence and had gotten into a bad argument, which was pretty much every time I used in the past 4 months. My parents have a habit of threatening to kick me out in the snow if they think I've used, which is the worst thing to say to a high person. I could have seriously hurt myself a few times. If there was a gun in this house I no doubt would be gone. : /