Abf is in jail...
My abf is in jail for forging his parents checks. He has been gone for about a week now and I am trying so hard to fight myself but I keep feeling one minute set in stone that I must let go of this relationship and the next minute I am mustering reasons to justify everything and that 'if he gets clean, we can stay together'. Wtf? I hate this emotional roller-coaster right now.
I feel so alone right now in all of this. I stay with my mother and my two kids and I am trying to focus on me but it is so hard to detach from this. I am crying all of the time and just a mess. I try to talk to my mother and since she hates him at this point she just tells me 'you shouldn't feel that way' or says something to which I feel even worse for feeling any sort of emotion for this man.
His addiction had definitely progressed in the weeks prior to him going to jail. At this point, I started having panic attacks again (the last time that I ever had panic attacks was the first time that I found out he was using...) and my anxiety has been really bad. Perhaps it hadn't progressed it was just in my face more because his mother was choosing to no longer help cover it up. I just saw a complete shell of the man I love and to be honest, him going away was probably the best thing to have happened to either of us.
I don't know, I am calling to try and get back into therapy now that I have my insurance but my mother gives me a hard time because she has to drive me around everywhere (I don't have a car, our transmission went no doubt from the thousands of miles a week my abf was putting on doing his daily runs). I feel bad that I am dependent on her and that I have allowed my life to get to this point.
I am scared because I don't have much support right now because the only person that I have to talk to right now is my mother and again, she seems to be sick of me being upset I guess...and I am scared that if it is this hard to pull away and he is in jail...how am I going to cope with everything if and when he gets bailed which is any day now. His grandmother called me and told that she was going to try and bail him out tomorrow.
I love my abf so much but as he is now, being with him is not an option for me and my children. I just don't know how to get through this. There are no meetings near me and even if there were, I don't think that my mother would be happy to watch the kids or even drive me to go.
Perhaps seeing his actions once out will help solidify things more. I keep trying to tell myself...just take it one day at a time but when you have so much time on your hands stuck at the house 24/7, it is hard to keep yourself occupied. I've been spending time with my kids,cleaning, watching tv, surfing the web, working out, and reading the rest of Codependent No More but still there is the lingering anxiety and sadness and I am just at a loss.
As usual thank you for listening to me vent...It feels good to know that I have at least one place where people understand to some degree what I am dealing with....