Hi nairbon
Welcome
I totally get what you mean as well.
For me, and it was a huge step - I had to stop trying to numb the pain...and deal with it instead.
It was hard, it was frightening and it was a little painful...but nowhere near as hard on me as the life I was living drinking and trying to self medicate.
I learned, as Anna said, to live and to love myself. It was the best choice I ever made.
I hope you decide to go and talk to someone - I think the therapy suggestion is a good one...and if you think you're an alcoholic, and find you can't stop drinking, there are any number of programmes out for support as well
Read around and post as much as you like
Hope to see you around here some more
D