Hi kma
I remember living like that too. It's a very soul destroying way to live.
I came here to SR in 2007 too - I'd had enough and I found the tools I needed to stay sober....sometimes I didn't like what I had to do, but I'm glad I've had the last three years free from hell.
I know you'll find the tools you need here too.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here - Welcome
D