Doodledog

Hey again.

Thanks for your earlier notes. I thought I’d write down some of my background and ask a question. I stopped drinking on Oct. 18, 2009 and came across this site several days later. What a relief. A number of stories are so similar: I drank wine for years, every single night for the past 10 years or so. Then I’d toddle off to bed and pass out. I knew it was stupid, destructive behavior, but my morning resolutions, guilt and remorse always evaporated when I got home from work later that day. I told myself that I’d get a grip on things “tomorrow.’’

I stopped once for about nine months, but then started right back up again. That time I hadn’t tried AA or any other support group, which I’m doing now. Am on Step 3 after wrestling with Step 2.

I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t lost any jobs or had legal scrapes. I can’t say what it was that finally got me to the point of stopping again, six years after I first tried. I just remember sitting at the kitchen table one morning feeling so defeated – and so sick of having an endless debate/obsession in my head over my inability to stop. You know that internal conversation? “Why do you drink, it’s going to kill you, it’s hurting you …why can’t you stop… you’re following the same pattern as your mother….you're going to end up tied to a hospital bed too... you are so stupid.’’ Yada, yada. All the wasted energy depresses me.

So I got honest with my doctor, who ran some tests and everything came back fine. She even asked if I was overestimating my consumption! Huh? That’s a laugh. For years when I had to see a doc about anything, I’d lie and say I drank maybe three drinks a week.

Now that I don’t drink, I struggle a lot with anxiety. It’s been rough. As I’ve been thinking more about it, I realize I’ve always had this feeling – since I was a young teen, really. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever not had a big knot in my chest.

One thing that does surprise me since I’ve stopped is that when I get really tired or discouraged, I don’t crave wine. No, my little voice suggests a boatload of huge Manhattans or something similarly potent. What’s up with that? A couple of days ago, I nearly walked into a drugstore to buy some cigarettes, and I haven’t smoked for three years. Anything to take the edge off. Going to the gym or taking a walk, which I'm try to do instead, doesn't seem nearly as much fun at the time.

Did anyone else’s addiction try to up the ante when it wasn’t getting its way?

Ddog
(I like Oz’s abbreviation of my user name)