just wanted to check in, the kids are sleep and all is quite.
i already said that at the end of my day, i come here to read. i'm not ready able to post much yet but my comfort does comes from you all. i know that my situation is not uncommon but i had no idea this would be this hard. even though i haven't lived with him in awhile, this has taken me way back in my emotions, way back to why i stuck around so long in the first place. knowing that he really did love us, makes it that much harder even though it brings comfort at the same time.
seems as if i'm running into all kinds of road blocks while trying to get him layed to rest, even though my fh friend has provided so much, his help was still limited. the county that he was in prison at, turned out to have different laws concerning indegent burials than here in atl. now i have to find my own way to have him transported home and the body taken care of, my hf friend is only able to give me a free memorial service, there are so many other aspects of this thing that i have to find a way through.
i'm so tired and i'm trying so hard to focus on me and the kids but i'm finding it so hard to practice what i've been preaching these last few months. hope you guys can forgive me, i guess i'm not as strong as i've lead you all to believe.
if i'm honest with myself, i have to admit that maybe i didn't already file for divorce because a part of me felt like even if it had to be once my husband and i reached old age, he'd be tired of the life he was living and be ready to settle down. then i guess i thought maybe we could then spend the rest of our days, however many there were left, rocking in our rocking chairs holding hands watching the cars drive by, if nothing more. i guess i was still hoping and waiting, i don't know.
i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me but that you understand that you guys are really the only friends i have to talk to or that really understood my life, and thet includes my family. i'm having a hard time finding things to do to occupy my time and thoughts. i find myself suffering in silence and i know that is not good for me. i know i have to be strong for my kids sake but what i really want to do is break down. i'm trying to surrender it all over to my hp but thats so easy to say.