teke

hey you guys, thank you all. other than the kids, my mom,l you guys are all i have, literally.

just a little update and kind of a rant. the kids, me and my mom made it there today but was way too late and i couldn't see him at all. jborrowred money to get a rental, drove 5hrs one way only to find out someone from the prison gave us the wrong info and that we didn't have to come at all. appologies excepted.

i know nobody is to blame and so far, the only guilt i might feel, though i know its not my fault, is the fact that i didn't know he was sick, but how could i, he didn't know. he had a inoperable brain tumor. somebody at the prison noticed he didn't look right, thought he was acting mental then rushed him to er.

i was told that some of his weired, unconcerned,uncaring attitude and behavior are also symptoms of that kind of tumor now add the drug use. i also googled this tyoe of tumor and i could not believe the symtoms that were described. knowing this helps me to forgive even more than before.

as the hours go by, the reality of all of this is beginning to sink in. his enabling family now wants to step away and let me "deal with my own husband", all these yrs its been "MY SON" now all of a sudden it 'MY HUSBAND", they say they are not doing anything to help. no ins.and no money, i can't bury my husband, i can't bury my kids father.

i'm beginning to realize that i may have already seen him for the last time months ago.the kids overheard somehow, the prison warden say that they could discard "it", the kids looked at me and said "mamma please don't let them throw my daddy away", my heart broke. how in the world am i suppose to tell my kids that i have no choice?

you guys have to know i really appreciate all your kind words and prayers. i know that god will see us through this. i know we are gonna be ok eventually. even though i feel so all alone right now and don't knnoe whaar to do, i know that you guys are here for me and wiith me. some of you who were here when i first came and others, may remember, i came here in a very very dard place, so broken and beaten. you guys have walked with me through sp so much, "THANK YOU" is not strong enough words that could says whats in my heart right now.

i kind of posted some of this elsewhere and i'm sorrry but i need any tyoe my thoughts, my heart feels like its gonna explode if i don't talk to someone. i'm suppose to be the strong one, for my kids sake but now that they are asleep, 'its a lonley night in georgia"

forgive me for the long post and i can't promise there won't be another one before this is over, i just know you guys understand and if there ever was a place i could do this, its here. when i say "I love you guys",or "i'm praying", the good lord knows i honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart,

now, if you read this far and even if you couldn't, THANK YOU,