JWM

I quit two days ago and it was really rough. I basically locked myself in the house for a whole day and paced back and forth in the kitchen arguing with myself about whether or not to go to the store for a few hours. I couldn't even focus enough on anything to stay busy and take my mind off it. At one point I had my keys in my hand and I just ran into the shower and turned on the water to soak myself and my clothes so I would not be able to go out in public. I was drinking an 18-pack a night. It was like if I had something to do I would come home convinced I would get it done, then sit down to have a beer and before I noticed I had finished the whole pack and I would be passed out on the couch in the morning. I used to make sure my alarm was set before I drank the first one at like 5PM. I don't know how I justified this and still thought I would be capable of taking care of my responsibilities outside of work. I mean who comes home, goes to have a beer, and thinks "I better set my alarm for in the morning"?

Today was day 2 and I am feeling alot better, but I have been discovering things that I did in the past that were really odd. I know I was mean to people and I had a relationship that ended several months ago. Now I know that everything was my fault. I don't like it...

Anyway I recently started making more money at work doing something I really love and I am hoping to use this to pay off some debts. Maybe that will relieve some stress... idk.

If I am an alcoholic, is it possible to be convinced today that I will not drink anymore but still end up getting wasted? Also, is there a chance that I am not an alcoholic? How would I know this? lol sometimes I wonder if I am just crazy... especially lately.