Wow, there's a lot in your post. My husband is in recovery, and it is no walk in the park, that's for sure. I was just thinking this am that putting our marriage back together is so much work, I wonder if one of us will quit. He's more of a quitter than I am, and I can just see him calling it quits. Before I read your post I was thinking of posting a thread "Recovery stinks", to see who else has encountered a lot of pain in the process.
I'm a big fan of Al Anon. The Connecticut Al Anon has its meetings listed on line (I also live in CT).
Welcome to SR, so sorry for your pain. Keep coming here, and consider Al Anon if you haven't already.