Thanks you guys. I just came in from the best meeting! Wonderful group of women, some with as much as 24 years, some with as little as, well, me (5 days) - and all encouraging, all supportive.
I remember reading, several years back, Caroline Knapp's "Drinking, a love story" and relating to her a lot, but at the same time thinking "hm, she was hiding bottles, she was waay worse than I am" - but who's to say I wouldn't get to that point? Look, I have been drinking since high school and the only time i ever stopped was in 1996 when I was pregnant. That lasted what, about a year, with breast feeding and etc.
So yes, I miss the ritual of it, I feel like something is missing, as if someone important in my life is on a trip or away or died. I know it is my disease - and I know it is baffling, cunning, and will use every possible ruse to fool me. But I KNOW I want to be sober. I have known it for years. I want it and I will keep going to meetings and keep coming back :-)