aah1977

Today is my birthday and I'm in a weird place of reflection and angst. I haven't not had a birthday with my husband in 15 years. I've never had a birthday where he didn't try in some way to make me feel like the most important woman in the world.

I haven't seen my R?AH in a few days. I go from feeling helpless to feeling angry to feeling so strong that I will do this. He and I went through years of infertility and I always compared those emotions with a roller coaster, but this is far worse. Not knowing if he is using, not knowing if he will ever come around and see his son, not knowing if I'll lose my house, the list goes on and on!

I'm pretty sure he is using right now. He swears he isn't. In all the years of his drug abuse he never, never disappeared like he has now (it has been 3 weeks since he stayed here). He has told me that he isn't using and he is attending meetings. He said he can't come around because the house and our fighting is a trigger for him. He says he needs more time to get strength before he can be back here for long periods of time. It just seems like a way to avoid and a way to keep me from having actual evidence of his using. He will call our son and/or stop by ever few days (it went from everyday to now we're on 3 days with no visit), but they are very quick visits unless I go next door or another part of the house. I get the whole trigger thing, but I will not be accused of being the reason for his addiction.

His parents are so codependent and are flipping out on me because we should be doing everything humanly possible to get to the bottom of what is going on. So, I'm accused of being a horrible wife because I'm "not loving him enough." If it were up to them they would find him and tie him to a bed for years. His father said he is ashamed that I'm not trying to help my husband. I told him that nothing we do is going to make him get help or come around to telling us what is going on he needs to come to that on his own. They said they won't give up like I am. I'm not giving up-he has and I have to face the reality.

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I sometimes just wish he would just finalize what he has barely avoided for so many years and that is OD. I want him to live a happy, productive life, but it is proving to be too hard. If his life will continue to be filled with turmoil and cause pain and heart ache than if he were to kill himself with the drugs at least he would finally be able to be at peace. Wow, did I just type that? I'm sure so many of you have felt that before. I don't wish him dead-I just wish he didn't live with the addiction and at this point I'm not sure I see any other way out for him.

I'm just very sad that a 18 year friendship, a 15 year relationship, a 6 year marriage, and the relationship between a father and his son has been destroyed. I can't change it or control it so I feel I need to mourn it.