searching4zen

so ya i went out and used, i'd been using for most of the past 2 years with very brief periods of sobriety. i'd been able to get away with all kinds of garbage and devious behavior but stuff kinda came crashing down.

my neighbors complained about me to the landlord, i'm probably getting evicted, got searched by the cops with weed and a weapon on me (marijuana is decriminalized in my state fortunately) i'm paranoid and anxious as hell. a flood of emotions has returned to me in the past couple weeks (even while using.) i've broken down in tears at least 5 times and started feeling a GREAT amount of guilt which i'd been able to rationalize my way out in the past.

i finally realized i can't associate with drug users AT ALL. every time i've been sober i've messed it up by hanging out with "friends" (i've decided they aren't "friends," just "people i hung out with.") so far i haven't told them, i've just not answered any of their endless calls. i'm gonna tell them soon and then change my number, although their is some exchanging of property i need to take care of at some point (various guitar equipment that i would hate to lose is at one dudes house, and i owe him money so i'll probably give him the money and get my **** before telling him to **** off.)

i'm on day 2 right now, hell of a lot of anxiety and depression i'm feeling right now. i was using painkillers, alcohol, and otc cough syrup, at least 2 of the three daily, various combinations of two of those drugs.

i need to get to meetings, i'm gonna start going again tommarow, i have a meeting at 12pm and 7pm within a 10 minute walk from my house, hopefully it's not too cold.