I'm glad you're here ibsen, well done on 2 weeks.
We die to live. We surrender to win. We suffer to get well. We give away to keep.
Your post made me remember those paradoxes. For me, surrendering meant being freed from the obsession. The more I surrendered, the freer I felt. I hope you decide to go to a meeting someday. Those AA'ers don't bite. Chances are, they'll love you until you're able to love yourself.