Anodyne

And I really don't like it.

I go from "This is the best thing that could have happened to me, it is what I needed to finally accept that I will never, ever 'control' or 'manage' my drinking, ever, and that I DO need hard, intensive programs, that I will -not- ever be a 'normal' drinker. First offense, plea bargains, not guiltys. LOVING the 24/7 sobriety program I am on, WANTING court ordered treatment (I have previous called and tried to find a way to get court ordered, because of my rationalizing and wobbling and eventual convincing of myself that I could 'handle' drinking this time whenever I got sober or started treatment before, and been told that no, sorry, there is no way unless you are convicted of something)..life will finally BE life again"

to
"I can't believe this is going on. There is no way I am going to make it through this. My life is over. Everything's going to go so so badly, I'm going to end up losing my mind, raped and beaten to death, I can't handle this. I can't handle this."

But, on the bright side, this is the first time in a long time where I have been this stressed out and have not wanted to go running to the bottle.

It's messing with my head. I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been in this situation before. But I do know I won't drink because of the stress, and not just because that would mean sitting back in jail until a judge saw me. Then that makes me flip right back to hope and positive feelings, because I am not just not drinking for fear of consequences, but because I really, really don't want to. For the first time I know what it means to 'have a desire to not drink that is stronger than my desire to drink."

Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to...get it out.