Congratulations on 36 days, this is a fantastic accomplishment and not one to minimize, however, it takes more then just a few months to regain trust that was destroyed over many years.
Are they just waiting for the other shoe to drop?
well....ummmm...yeah
years of alcoholic behavior does that to those around us, they believe our past actions, which were to ummm...to drink alcoholically, for them to believe otherwise based on our past behavior is quite frankly incredibly unrealistic. He is the one on the outside looking in, as far as he is concerned you have been sober a total of .00001 percent of your life, 36 days doesn't quite make a trend yet, it's a hopeful beginning, but that's all it is, a tiny tiny merest of the sliver beginnings.
For me I couldn't expect someone to believe I had changed wholly in just 36 days.
It took years of work to undo years of damage. It took years of changed behavior to earn trust I had destroyed over many years with my own behavior.
For me today I don't believe anything that comes out of somebodies mouth unless it matches their actions, for me today trust is something that is earned, and for me today, if someone betrays or destroys that trust, like drinking will do to a relationship, it takes a LONG time to regain my trust.
This is healthy, it's known as a boundary.
One of H's major issues with my drinking was how he had to watch over me because I would always literally get falling down drunk and black out, etc.
So that is his "normal" and evidently has been for a LONG time, since you say you would always get falling down drunk, black out etc
that is his "normal", this is what he has come to expect from you in the past, and what he expects in the future.
Rightfully so.
So, after sharing with him what it was like for me to be sober in the middle of a bar with our drinking friends (all positive stuff), I asked him what it was like for him not to have to watch over me...thinking that perhaps I'd get good feedback.
So you wanted him to tell you what a great job you are doing? Not an unreasonable expectation, but an expectation nonetheless, keep reading
Um - wrong. He just said it was weird. And so I said, oh...weird? Wanting him to expand a little on the answer...and he got mad and said that I "wants results immediately!"
he's right, in your own words you wanted "good feedback", it's not a question if we already know what answer we want, those are called expectations, which are resentments waiting to happen
Whoa - no...I explained I was just asking a question?
Actually no, you wanted positive reinforcement, different then asking a question, it's not a bad thing to want positive reinforcement, but it doesn't have anything to do with asking a question.
I have learned not to ask questions I might not want to hear the answer to unless I actually want to hear the answer.
So - I guess this is anger at me for all the years of what I put him through? But my question is, when does that abate. I mean, my god, I've stopped drinking, I've apologized over and over, what else can I do here?
You can stay stopped, work the steps and try to undo years of hell and damage and blown trust, this is not an overnight matter.
Allow him his process, keep doing what you are doing and have patience, work on yourself and stay sober and everything will fall into place.
Seriously, congratulations, 36 days is huge, now the part comes where we get to start actually repairing our life and making a new one.
It doesn't happen overnight