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Old 01-29-2010, 01:59 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
JenT1968
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
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I am SOOO glad you and your child are safe, and not living with this on a daily basis.

I have tried so hard to keep my family together. I don't want a divorce, I want him to change! I do everything I can to take care of him..I'm a good wife, and I was a good girl, I was never slutty like he accuses me of being. I've lost myself...I don't see my old friends, I've gained 30 pounds, I dress like an old hag. I don't even recognize who I am. I love him so much, or do I really?
are you actually me? LOL!
I'm thinking now, 10 months out of living with my husband (the alcoholic in my life, and one that I am starting the process of divorcing) that maybe I don't love him, I don't know, I know that I had (and still have although it's less strong) a powerful emotional bond to him, I'm not sure it is love, that's where I am at the moment.

Do you know what it's like to see the one you love with their eyes vacant and hollow, with no expression on their face, and to feel so completely terrified and afraid of what they may be capable of? I can't even describe it right. It's the worst thing I've ever felt.
yes I do know what you mean, that description is very familiar, and it is terrifying.
Somehow whilst I was with him, I didn't recognise that I was often terrified, that some of my crazy behaviour wasn't being anxious or over-reacting or controlling: I was flooded with adrenalin, every cell of me scared and paralysed.
it's taken me this long to start to come to terms with the many concurrent stories that I weaved to describe our life together, the great guy that he is, the loving father that everyone loves, that people think is charming, who goes out and eulogises about how much he loves his family and wife and then comes home and terrorises me. The paranoid, accusing, angry, controlling, drunken, raging, threatening, sexually agressive, ocassionally violent man that I was afraid of yet argued with and stood up to? Love? Alcohol? Lies? Abuse? Happy family? where does it all fit in? none of it makes sense to me let alone anyone else.

I need help to gel all this into a coherent narrative of my recent past, have you considered therapy?

How can I love someone who tells me how disgusting I am, and how I'm the biggest **** he's ever met? How can I want to be with him?? I can't even believe the things that come out of my mouth sometimes when he's drunk on the phone...tonight I was begging him not to cheat on me for spite, because once he does we can't go back. Who is this girl begging a drunk not to cheat on her?
because he's not always a monster, because you've conditioned yourself to appease him and become/appear weak in order to try and manage and avoid the worst behaviour, developed skills to keep you and your baby safe. Despite the fact that I almost always feel safe now, I still am too anxious to ask him to leave my home if he acts disrespectfully to me (I tried it once, all he did was stare at me and snear "really, do you want to go there?" and I backed straight down, made myself small and retired to the kitchen) it is taking me practice to stand up for what is right for me, I am making baby steps towards consistently acting like someone who is safe.

I haven't told my family and friends the worst of it either, initially because I wanted so much for him to change, for us to work, that I didn't want to prejudice their opinion of him if we managed to work it out (there's me taking responsibility for their feelings about him!!!) But at the moment, although I grow stronger, the silence is for me, I can't deal with their reaction, I don't want to discuss it, and explain, if they didn't beleive me or minimised my experiences, I'm not sure I would survive that. I know I could never have any contact with them again, and until I am secure in my understanding of what happened I can't risk the opinions of others.

No constructive help I'm afraid pet. just hugs and recognition of what you're going through.
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